Maybe I’m having sympathy exhaustion for my friends in their first trimester (hello SDFTM – soon to be STM – moms). I don’t think I caught Leia’s cold – no cough, no runny nose. I’m not depressed. Life is good, I look forward to family dinners, play dates, seeing my silly daughter chase our cats, etc. So what is wrong with me? I can’t put my finger on just one thing.
I just feel like I could really use a whole day to lounge on the couch, watch a movie, burn my to-do list, drink a glass of wine and have dinner delivered. This is what people without kids get to do on the weekend. I think about moms that are juggling work, school and mommyhood and my jaw drops in awe. I tip my hat to you ladies, rock on.
I haven’t been writing as much here, it felt like a chore for a while. I kept a list on my iphone of cute things that happened that day or thoughts I had with the intentions of blogging later. Then I accidentally deleted the note while editing that damn to-do list and got frustrated with the whole thing.
I know a source of my exhaustion is overextending myself. I put too much on my plate. My to-do list is a little neurotic and I need to learn how to better use my time and how to say no (to others and myself). I find myself laying down with Leia to nurse her to sleep for naps and falling asleep right next to her for a few minutes. Then I wake up in a slight panic – what to do first? Laundry? Dishes? Pick up the tornado of books and kitchen utensils? Every now and then I remember to paint my toes and pluck my eyebrows – things I can’t do when she’s awake.
I think I’m going to ask my mom to watch Leia when she has a day off and I’m going to get my hair cut and go see a movie (yes, Breaking Dawn, stop laughing). I think I need a little personal time out of the house. Usually my only personal time is when my Mom watches Leia so I can go to the gym.
I’ve been stressed about money. Craigslist doesn’t have many options for part-time, low hour, work from home jobs. I’m grateful for getting to stay at home with Leia. Mike pays the big living expenses (rent, utilities, cable, car repairs on the car he paid off) and I pay for the other things (food/toiletries, gas, phone, entertainment, clothes, diapers, cat food/litter, car insurance, etc.). I’ve been managing okay with unemployment and savings from this years tax refund. I budget myself, only buy things on sale, etc. But on playdates I splurge on buying lunch. At Target I know I’m wasteful. Those are areas I’ll need to reign myself in. I actually brushed up my resume and sent it to a job on craigslist looking for someone to transcribe records part-time. Haven’t heard back, not holding my breath. Taking care of Leia is the most important job for me right now, but I would like the cushion a few hours a week of work would provide. When she is school aged and I go back to work full time I have no idea what I’ll look into – but that’s a whole other conversation.
I think I’ve gained about 10 pounds in the last few months. This is very frustrating. I know exactly why I’m gaining weight – I’m eating like a fat kid. No second thought to what I’m putting in my mouth, overeating (probably emotionally), not taking a mental note of what I’ve ate that day. My weight has always been a struggle for me. Between the beginning of March and the end of July I lost about 65 pounds. I busted my butt working out and kept a food journal. I ate healthier versions of desserts, no candy, no fast food. Lots of fresh, real food at each meal. I was really proud of what I accomplished. I enjoyed eating healthier. I felt stronger. I bought a bunch of clothes in a single digit. Mostly I was proud that I was setting a healthy example for Leia. I’m still working out regularly, but the food is an issue. It was a downhill slope from when I went on vacation in August. I “gave myself permission” to eat whatever, and I never really reigned it in after that. Everyday I wake up with intentions to restart my food journal, knowing being accountable keeps me on track. And each day I end up eating something crappy and saying “fuck it.” My pants are starting to get tight, but mostly I’m upset at feeling out of control. I thought for sure I had things figured out, that I could eat like a normal healthy person and be happy. I’m terrified of struggling with this as Leia grows up.
On a lighter note, my mom went with Leia and I to the zoo this week which was really fun. Leia loves to say the sounds the animals make (mostly cats, her favorite word is “meow”). She could spend all day at the petting zoo, and this time she really liked the playground next to it. She climbed up herself and went down the slide over and over. Yes, her fluffy blond mullet is pretty awesome 🙂
Other fun shots from this week: